


hey there shell-lilah

by guineaDogs, rachhell



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, Love Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 09:17:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16889802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guineaDogs/pseuds/guineaDogs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachhell/pseuds/rachhell
Summary: Kip can't wait for his girlfriend to come back home from college.





	hey there shell-lilah

As he flicked through the letters, a small, handwritten envelope caught his attention and his heart began to thump.  _ To My Stupid Turd, _ read the front. He held the envelope up to his nose as he sighed fondly, as the scent of frying oil and toothpaste reminded him of her.

How he missed his sweet, sweet Shelly, the light of his life, the fire of his loins, the best friend he'd ever had... and the only woman who had ever loved him enough to publicly list herself as  _ in a relationship with Kip Drordy _ on Facebook.

It had been months since he'd seen her—phone calls and skype and handwritten love-letters could only sate him so much—but soon, she'd be home for the holidays and he'd finally have a reason to emerge from his parents' basement.

He wondered how life actually was for Shelly, all the way in Idaho for college... sometimes it felt like she wasn't telling Kip everything. Sure, she talked about the potatoes, and the lumberjacks, and how Lewiston and Clarkston were totally lame and filled with turds but... she called  _ him _ a turd too, and she  _ loved _ him, so did she love Idaho too?

Someone who loved potatoes  _ and _ Shelly as much as Kip did belonged in Idaho, too. One day, he'd have to go with her; perhaps there was a basement he could live in, in Idaho, too.

But Shelly didn't live in a basement, she lived in a  _ dorm, _ with a roommate named Lydia who she didn't seem to like much at all. It just reminded him how lucky he was that Shelly liked him liked being around him, and with this in mind, he finally opened her letter.

_ Hey Turd, _ read Shelly's big, girly handwriting at the top of a loose-leaf notebook page.  _ I'm coming home after finals and when I do, I'm gonna hold you down and ride that bent dick of yours into the sunrise. _

Wow, Shelly was a beautiful writer. He patted his crotch and continued reading,  _ so you better stock up on gatorade, but not the blue kind, because that's the kind my shitty brother likes and I HATE him. _

_ I thought it would be romantic or whatever if I sent this to you but don't get used to it because I fucking hate writing—I have to do it enough for school and it's total fucking BULLSHIT. Why can't we just write papers in emojis? That would be so much easier. _

She even drew him a little picture—an eggplant! It was the most beautiful eggplant, though he wasn't sure why it looked like it was crying. He hoped it didn't mean that his sweet Shelly was crying too; she always got snot everywhere when she cried and then she'd be mad about getting snot everywhere.

He never minded, though, because he loved her and he would give her his own shirt to clean it all up. As long as it wasn't his cool button-up shirt with the dragon on it. That one was his favorite, because there were flames at the bottom of the shirt. It was from his favorite store, that one where they sold swords and wall scrolls and figurines too. Since he didn't have to pay rent, he spent almost all of each paycheck there—really, apart from Shelly, it was the only reason he had to venture from the depths of what he liked to call his Lair.

Sometimes he thought he should go to college for  _ real, _ but online coding classes were good enough and if he got lucky he could still stay right there when he finished—heck, maybe Shelly would want to move down there when she was done studying.... well... Kip could barely keep up with what she was studying nowadays because it always seemed to change.

As he traced his fingers over the letter, he decided it would be pretty cool if she studied potatoes—after all, they grew underground and that was where he lived. It was perfect!

He didn't think his smile could get any bigger, until he read the bottom of the page.

_ Brush your teeth big boy, because when I get there, I'm sitting on your face. _

_ From, _ __   
_ Shelly Marsh. _ __   


Golly, Shelly sure was a winner, and now all he had to do was eagerly wait for her to finish up the semester. He'd just sit here, in his basement lair until then.


End file.
